I’m nervous, I’m conflicted and I’m unable to get more than a brief few minutes of sleep as I sit in seat 42F on our 10 hour flight from New Zealand to Singapore on our way to Thailand for a few days of scuba diving. We have left the natural wonders of New Zealand under our wings. It is now about 9:00 a.m. and we are flying northwest over the Java Sea. I know this because the small screen in front of me has a convenient flight map to distract me and let me know how many more hours (1 hours, 20 minutes) until our long layover in Singapore. In a few days we will be in Vietnam. I am excited to go, but as the time nears, I am confronted with an unease that has simmered in me for years.
In my mind, there are two Vietnams.
The Vietnam of today is a place that has been recommended to Kimberly and I as a great place to travel as we go through Southeast Asia. I think about my good friend Vanessa, whose family roots come from Vietnam. She is one of the most genuine and caring people I know. She has encouraged me to visit as well. If the people we will meet in Vietnam are like her, I know we will be warmly welcomed with open hearts to see their country.
But I also have to grapple with a past that unfortunately colors my feelings. My dad and my uncle both fought in the Vietnam war, and I have grown up seeing how the war changed them forever. Even today, 50 years later, my dad’s identity is inextricably tied to that war. For years he was active in the VFW, building friendships with the only group of men he ever seemed to feel were kin, his fellow troops. He gets his health care through the VA, and every time we go there, I see a father who proudly wears his Marines hat as he sits in waiting rooms with another generation, sharing a common past I can never comprehend.
So I am altogether in an uncomfortable spot as I sit in this uncomfortable seat. Can I be present, traveling in today, opening my eyes to see the beauty of Vietnam and building my own understanding of the country? Or, as we travel through cities like Hanoi and Saigon, will I feel like I am caught up in the past of my father and uncle, questioning how I can enjoy a place I know was so painful to them? I honestly don’t know. I have been too nervous to even tell my dad we are going, not wanting to go there.
I think the best I can do is to be like Tanner. If you ask Tanner where his favorite travel place is, or his favorite thing he has done while traveling, his answer is always the same. It is whatever we are doing today. He is living our journey completely in the present. That is my goal. To be present here and now as our family visits Vietnam and travel in today.
Your father John, uncles Dave and Jim proudly served our country together and endured the war in Viet Nam, as ordered, to help severely oppressed victims, so that the lovely people of that country would survive and give their children the joy, peace and beauty that they have today. Thank God, they all returned home in April/May of 1968, exactly 50 years ago. What you are going to see is the positive result of so many sacrifices. War is always hell and peace is the proof of heaven!